i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
