Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
