Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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