i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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