3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
