It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
