fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I can't turn off my feet"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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