just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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