is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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