I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
