My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
