I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
