Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
