So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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