When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
