Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
