The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just cropdusted the office
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I have tasted many bathrooms
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize