On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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