you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
