hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
