Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
