The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
