I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
