New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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