You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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