I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
