his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
