i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize