Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
