he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
