Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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