Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
