She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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