Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
