tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
