I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
