So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize