im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
