did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
