can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I didn't notice because vodka
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
