Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
