I smell stomach acid.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
