can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
