Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
