The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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