i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
