also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
