My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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