Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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