Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
