you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
