I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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