he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I got inside last night via doggy door
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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