I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
