We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
