I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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