you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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