At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
