I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
