Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
