So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
