i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
