I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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