she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
